Another brutal night. I don’t know what it is about this secondary infection that makes it this way. A lot of doctors were helping me but I had this fantasy in my head that not all of them had my best intentions at heart. Yelling and retching every 19 minutes or so all through the morning when the doctors stopped by. [With hindsight, I realize that the fantasy was a side of effect of the dilaudid]. The doctors confirm that mucositis is what I have but there is not much apparently that can be done. We just have to rely on my rising numbers of white blood cells to make enough antibodies to see it off.

I was still very mucousy and distraught when Mo came in this morning. It’s good to see her and she can give me a read on my long-term progress. She can only get a window during the day. I can start a day feeling crappy and end up fine, and vice versa. Anyway, she says that I’m looking much better than when she last saw me on day 18. I actually feel a bit worse. But no matter, I need to do what I can to get fit. Mo helped me with breakfast and re-nuked many of the items that I had allowed to grow cold.

I felt drowsy and slept a bit and then felt stronger. There wasn’t a lot of time to do anything. We talked about how Miranda already knows that I won’t be home at Xmas. After this weekend pass (fingers crossed) I go right back in to chemo. Supper’s here so will stop now.

[later]

Did some more work, updating the journal and posting to the website. Recent entries have been pretty sparse, reflecting, perhaps, my mood and energy level. Have not, for example, had the energy to pick up my Aubrey-Maturin book for several days.

[later]

Felt tired and went back to bed where I slept for a few hours. The lips are now the main problem area. They are swollen and not properly lubricated. I use Vaseline but that’s not the same. I can’t close them when I’m speaking because then they stick together. When I do close them then I have to use my tongue to ease them apart. I tend to sleep with my mouth open. No real appetite. I made myself eat the lemon chiffon pie and the custard. Remarkably, tea tastes almost like it should and I do enjoy it.

[later]

Took another nap because I felt tired, and slept uninterrupted by nature’s calls, and woke with renewed energy. The nurse says I look better too. Oh, if only – if only I can get a good night’s sleep and avoid the nightmares of the last two, I would be so happy. I do feel I’m getting better. Some of my coughs now are normal coughs, not ones that require me to expectorate crap into a bowl.

Vitals: Oral temp: 99.2, O2 97 percent, pulse 112, blood pressure 116/70